The Diary of Arnold Rimmer
by robster72
Summary: Complete. Set before they are lost 3 million years from earth. Rimmer has a bet with Lister that he can't get a girlfriend in a month. I mean how tough can it be? All reviews welcome!
1. The bet!

Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug. 

With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me!

**Chapter One – The Diary of Arnold Rimmer, or how to get a girl friend in a month – The Arnold Rimmer way!**

Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.

**_Location: Red Dwarf – Rank: 2nd Technician - Year: 2278 – January 1st _**

Dear Diary.

That doesn't sound very macho. This diary will be read through the ages as the beginnings of greatness. My every word written here will be pored over by scholars for centuries to come!

I bet Napoleon didn't start off his diary before the Battle of Borodino with "Dear Diary, today I face 120,000 heavily armed Russians, must remember to set up forwarding on my mail to Moscow. I mean what can possibly go wrong? Oh yes, will send a letter to Mummsy asking if she can send me the longer of my two scarves, it's getting a bit parky out here!".

Diary.

No, too impersonal.

To the readers of the future! This means you!

No.

Lister, stop reading this, you smelly rectum faced discharge of a man!

No.

Anyway the reason for this diary is that Listy and I had a small argument. You know, just a teensy disagreement. It was New Year's Eve; I had planned a night in, revising for my exam in six months time, and Lister basically said that was really sad and why didn't I go out? I wouldn't get a girlfriend staring at a desk all the time.

The upshot is that I bet him a hundred dollar pounds I could get a girlfriend by the end of the month! Well I must admit it didn't start off at a hundred dollar pounds; it started off as ten but it's amazing how expensive a chicken impression can be!

Easy money!

I mean how hard can it be?

If someone like Lister, for whom soap is a four-letter word, can get a girlfriend, I should be able to easily!

I must remember every word I write here will prove I am a man of future greatness and a greater lover than Casanova and Byron put together! Anyway here we go!

**_January 1st._**

Had cheese on toast today, or as the Welsh call it, Welsh Rarebit. Why cheese is rare in Wales I don't know, or is only a bit of the cheese rare in Wales? I don't know. Remind me to look this up!

How would Bonaparte get a girlfriend?

Probably invade Austria.

Not much help. What about Caesar?

Again probably invade Austria. What is it with Austria? Do dictators get a travel brochure through the post? "Invasion – the magazine for World Dictators. This month Austria! You came! You saw! You conquered! You bought at our nice little souvenir stand!"

I can't really invade anywhere in a month. Especially considering I have possibly the most important job on the ship, the team leader in charge of Z shift! Cleaning and refilling drinks machines on the ship! You know the Captain was really complimentary about me yesterday? He said, "Thank god you are only in charge of degunking chicken soup machines!" That was after he got a rather strange chicken and blackcurrant soup combination and had to get carted off to the medic bay.

Anyway I have decided to take a long hard look at myself to decide why I am still single.

I am perfect; it must be women at fault!

That is what this diary is for! A guide to all red-blooded men to show them how it is done!

However I do think my waistline might be putting women off a tad. I first thought it might be a problem when I found myself cutting extra holes in my belt.

I wouldn't have minded but I got the belt from Lister and to say he is a bit podgy is like saying the Sahara is a bit warm. I mean I'm not saying Lister has a big bottom but when I was standing behind him at the zoo on Mimas a family of elephants fell asleep in his shadow.

My waistline is growing after three weeks of the 'patented Lister lard diet'. I think I'll have to give that up.

I was taking a swim last week in the sea at Mimas and I nearly got caught by a Japanese Whaling ship.

However a bonus on this is that I have been asked to play the lead role in a new film of Moby Dick. They did say they would need a special wide-angle lens. Must go on a diet.

Starting tomorrow!

Also tomorrow I will buy some tighter trousers, since everyone knows women love a man in tight trousers, and walk around the deck to see what attention I will get!

**_January 3rd_**

Apologies for not writing anything yesterday. I got these marvellous trousers, a full two sizes smaller than my normal pair yesterday. I had to breathe in to put them on and they were slightly tight it has to be said.

My speech to Z shift before they started their cleaning rota of the vending machines was in such a high pitch it shattered glass. On the plus side I've been invited to sing the high notes on the next Gilbert and Sullivan Mikado show.

I must admit I'm proud of my team though.

Proud of them!

It shows what excellent leadership qualities I have! I really inspire loyalty and camaraderie in them.

The reason I say this, dear diary, is that my trousers were so tight I stopped breathing and passed out at the end of my speech.

Did my team panic at this?

Did my team stop work?

No, they carried on working around me! Even though their gallant leader was turning the kind of colour that rivals a beetroot and he was hyperventilating as he struggled to breathe, they did their full eight-hour shift, plus two hours overtime and three hours down the ships bar to relax, before taking me to the medical bay!

It brings a tear to my eye, it really does (or is that the tight trousers). I mean I must really inspire the men!

**_January 4th_**

An excellent day because the security force on Red Dwarf have given me a warning for wearing too tight trousers!

Obviously they think I attract the women too much and stop them from working! That hundred dollar pounds will soon be mine! Although they did say something about breaking the obscenity laws.

Not that I need the help but I have decided to invest some of my dollar pounds on a book called "Secrets of the Perfect Date." It's written by someone called Lee Humdinger.

I have ordered it through the ship's Book Service, I have used a false name to hide the fact it's me! Rather clever I thought. I spelled my name backwards. Dlonra Remmir, and put on a foreign accent! No one will know it's me!

**_January 5th_**

I got yet another warning from the security force, this time for attempting to acquire a book by deception.

Haven't they got anything better to do with their time?

Anyway the book turned up!

Slight trouble opening the case since the handcuffs they used were a little tight.

Also remind me to have words with Lister. His idea of humour with the security guards as they dragged me away: "Give him an anal probe!" Could not have been worse timed. I mean what was he thinking?

Still have trouble sitting down.

My team were really good about it though! They got a little cushion with a hole in the middle of it for me and they even said I should be able to talk more clearly after that. They obviously thought my mouth was being washed out or something!

Anyway the cover is off!

Ta da!

It's a book about perfect dates!

Curious it has a picture of a palm tree on the front? Oh well, must be a romantic picture.

Let's read the first page. "The Date Palm _Phoenix dactylifera_ is a palm, extensively cultivated for its edible fruit."

Strange?

Must be conversation starters for a first date.

Let's flick through a few pages.

Ooh, it's called Abid Rahim in Sudanese! What an icebreaker!

You know, diary, as I look through this I think it might not be what I thought it was.

Oh, I see, Date as in the fruit!

I knew that of course! A man of my greatness and intellect.

A book on fruits!

Of course.

Just what I wanted.

Right, no mucking about this time; let's see what other books there are. "Information about dates."

Let's check that out.

Right. Date, the city in Japan. Of course.

Oh, it's on route 37! How fascinating! I'll bring that up in the next team briefing; I always like to end on a light-hearted note.

According to my inspiring speeches guide I should always throw in a few jokes at the end of the speech.

You know, it's another reason why I'm so lucky with my team! They anticipate! I've obviously drilled that into them! They even anticipate my jokes. Before I even start talking they start laughing and pointing at me! And they always maintain a sombre respectful silence before my jokes. And after them as well. I mean that is how much I'm respected!

Anyway, let's look at some more books. 'Sexual Attraction – A Man's Guide.'

That's for me!

Not that I need it of course, dear diary! A macho man like me.

That reminds me I need to order some more pink roses for the room. Lister's bodily odours seem to have killed off the others.

**_January 7th_**

You know, this is getting to be a bad habit, dear diary. I was dragged off by the security team yet again! I'll explain what happened.

My new book arrived and it recommended I hang out (literally) in the men's toilet and wear tight leather trousers. It also said to grow a moustache.

I had a bit of trouble growing a moustache in just a day but I found a fake one in a theatrical shop.

Anyway I was hanging out at the men's toilets and got talking to a lovely man called Kenneth. Strangely, he was wearing the same as I was. Obviously got the same book. A curious lack of women round there, though.

I digress. It turns out he was an undercover security officer and he arrested me for soliciting. Isn't that what lawyers do? How come you never hear about them getting arrested?

That reminds me, my team talk was very strange today. They edged into the room with their backs against the wall and left very quickly to work afterwards.

I inspire the men so much they are really keen to get to work! I'm obviously the best manager they've ever had. Remind me to write a book called 'Rimmer Management Techniques' after this, or 'You too could be as loved and respected as Arnold Rimmer'.

I've decided to throw that book on sexual attraction away. On the plus side Lister has said he will sleep elsewhere for a few days. 'Till I stop being strange.' Which has to be said is a bonus. Most people with roommates have to sleep with earplugs; I have to sleep with nose plugs!

Anyway, twenty-four days to get a girlfriend and prove to Lister what a smeghead he is and how mature I am! And more importantly get a hundred dollar pounds off Listy!

Fortunately, dear diary, I have some great ideas!


	2. Speed Dating!

Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.

With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me!

Also thanks to Sunrise over the Tango Factory, Cmar and Radar-rox for the reviews so far! All very much appreciated!

All reviews welcome!

**Chapter One – The Diary of Arnold Rimmer, or how to get a girlfriend in a month – The Arnold Rimmer way!**

**_January 8th_**

You know I had a brainwave last night. In fact it was practically a tidal wave. I woke up with a start and said "Ha!"

Lister had crept back very quietly last night and was sleeping on the sofa. This loud exclamation of mine made him fall off the sofa and hit his head. He gave me a very peculiar look after that. Anyway, on to this brain wave of mine.

"Know your enemy!"

Apart from my mother I haven't really known many women. And she packed me off to boarding school when I was two. They did tell her they didn't take children in till they were ten but she told them not to worry about that. She was a great mother!

Apparently.

Or at least that's what the court case said.

Well, I can't remember all of it since I was asleep in Mother's shopping bag at the time. And yes, it was a tight squeeze. I can still wrap one leg round my neck now, which is great for hiding in cupboards and under tables. At my last surprise birthday party it took them eight hours to find me. One of the problems was I hadn't got around to inviting anyone else to it as I'd only been on the ship five years and didn't know anyone. I'd still be hiding there now if the Captain hadn't ordered a triple fudge chocolate delight.

Anyway I got through the team briefing in record time, mainly because my keen go-getting staff was too busy working to attend. After that I sneaked over to the shopping deck and picked up a makeup case and a dress for a six-foot tall woman.

Will try them out later.

**_January 9th _**

Remind me to complain to the shopping deck.

I might not know much about makeup, it has to be said, and being a tough ex-marine type (I once owned a tropical marine fish pond, which my brothers tried to teach me to swim in. I told them it is difficult to swim in concrete boots but they couldn't hear me because of the gag they put in my mouth, but fortunately the pond wasn't that deep and I managed to wade out after four hours).

Anyway, about makeup. I followed the instructions exactly. Didn't bother with a mirror; I mean I'm not that vain. Walked outside my room and nearly got forced to join the Mimas Circus that was playing on board. Thankfully managed to escape after half a dozen custard pies in the face. Got back and found out it was clown makeup.

**_January 10th_**

Was very careful this time. I made sure they realised the makeup kit was for me as well. Definitely got some interested female looks from the girl behind the counter and I got a phone number! However the silly girl gave me the wrong number! I phoned it up and it was the security team again. Even though I gave myself a false name they still seemed to know it was me. Anyone would think I've got a reputation on the ship or something.

Anyway, very curious being dressed as a woman about the ship. I was certainly getting lots of attention.

Anyway the things I learnt being a woman for an evening -

How do they put false eyelashes in when you have to close your eyes to do that? One ended up on my eyebrow and the other halfway up my left nostril.

Lipstick is impossible to put on well. First of all I tried using a protractor, then a ruler. In the end I had to resort to a mirror. You paint the mirror with lipstick and kiss it and it works perfectly! Well I assume it did, it was rather difficult to see what it looked like afterwards.

High heels. What is the point of them? It's like walking downhill, very quickly. They are difficult to turn in as well. I found I had to crash against a wall, turn myself in the direction I needed to go in and then head off again! God help anyone who was in my way, as I certainly couldn't!

I certainly got a reaction dressed like that though!

Lots of men rolled their eyes when they saw me and gave me a wide berth.

They were obviously awestruck by my looks!

You know I walked right up to my team and I swear they did not recognise me!

They ran off but I swear they didn't recognise me!

Curiously, shortly afterwards the security team came and arrested me again (although how he recognised me I'll never know). The sigh the security commander gave when he greeted me made it sound like I was a regular visitor! A regular visitor is daily, I told him, and I'm more an occasional guest!

The last two days I haven't been there at all!

Well, I phoned them up accidentally yesterday but that's nothing! Anyway I saw a sign on the notice board in the security team's foyer as I was being given another lecture. "Stay out of trouble, blah, blah, blah, don't do anything weird, blah, blah, blah. Pay attention! Blah, blah, blah!" And some other stuff I didn't catch.

Anyway, this sign was for speed dating! Twenty dates in one evening! Three minutes a date! Practically guaranteed girlfriend! I will have that money from Listy by this time tomorrow!

**_January 11th_**

Might have to talk to the security team about Z shift.

They weren't concentrating about work at all! I was trying out the new team chant. "Rimmer's Z shift! Dooh! Dooh! Dooh! We get rid of the pooh! Pooh! Pooh!"

They haven't got that yet! They keep singing, "Rimmer's Z shift! Hit! Hit! Hit! Is a pile of…" Well, I don't want to finish it off. But how difficult is it to learn and sing a simple song? I told them if they worked hard they could be as important and great as me!

You know, I think I set them too high targets? One of them started crying and three of them applied for a transfer straight after that. I'll have to go a bit easier on them. The problem is I think is they have such a high flying, dynamic, intelligent, witty leader and it is difficult to live up to such a high standard!

Anyway, as to why I might have to talk to the security team. Three of them asked about makeup and where to buy dresses after the team talk. I said, could they confine their questions to cleaning, and they asked how do you clean off makeup?

Strange.

Anyway, got back to my quarters in the mood for luuurrve! I've got twenty dates this evening! The only thing I worry about is what to do with twenty phone numbers!

I am wearing my best dress second technician uniform, with extra lapels and the Rimmer tartan tie (I actually got a tartan by sending off some money to a web site, I didn't even know I was Scottish before that, it's a wonder what you can find out!). Spent twenty minutes trimming my nostril hairs; one small nosebleed later I was finished. I then practically bathed in Old Spice. The smell seemed to kill off my fern but small price to pay!

I'm in the mood for loooooooooooooooooove!

The notice said to prepare some killer questions as well! Will tell you what happens tomorrow morning, dear diary, but I'll probably be too busy lining up dates to write on here!

**_January 12th_**

Well, it was fun! Basically the women sit down at the tables and the men are given a number and sit down at whatever table the number is on. Where of course there is a lovely young lady! Then when the bell goes you move on!

I had a few classic jokes lined up! This are some of them!

"I used to be a woman, you know?"

"I haven't seen a woman in ten years. They don't allow them in the psycho wing of Belmarsh prison."

"I bet you taste nice."

Sadly, I didn't quite make it around to all twenty tables. By table four someone had mistakenly called the security team and for some reason they dragged me off again.

So basically spent the night in the cells again, but very keen to tick the girls I'd met and see if they ticked me! Sadly two of the dates were cut short by the girls having to rush off to the lavatory and one by her phone going off. Well, it didn't actually go off; while she was talking to me she said she had to make a quick call. And by the time I made it to the fourth girl the security team had turned up!

Bunch of killjoys.

I told them, didn't they know I was at a speed dating event?

They said that was precisely the point.

Anyway, sadly, none of the girls had ticked me, they probably can't use the system or got me confused with someone else, but that's great because it is a challenge for the future!

Decided to sign up for another right away but for some reason every time I typed in my name it said I'd been banned!

Obviously a glitch with the system.

I tried to call them to explain and the phone kept cutting out.

Me - "Hi, I'd like to book an event please?"

Them - "Certainly sir, can I take your name?"

Me - "My name's Arnold Rimmer." Dial tone.

Tried ringing again.

Me - "Hi my name's Rim…" Dial tone.

And again.

Me - "Hello…" Dial tone.

I gave up after that. If they can't get their system to work then they have just lost an important customer!

Anyway, diary matey, have the perfect way to get a girlfriend! Internet dating! There are 11,169 people on board the ship, of which nearly 6,000 are women and nearly 3,000 of them are single, 1,000 are actively looking for a man! I mean, logically at least one of them is perfect for me! Practically guaranteed!

So the Universal Web Site of Red Dwarf Singles says, anyway, and that's only if you pay them fifty dollar pounds. Will set up a profile tomorrow!

I can practically taste that one hundred dollarpounds!


	3. First Date!

Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.

With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me!

Also thanks to Sunrise over the Tango Factory, Cmar, Radar-rox and JosieSPRX for the reviews so far! All very much appreciated!

All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Three – The Diary of Arnold Rimmer, or how to get a girl friend in a month – The Arnold Rimmer way!**

**_January 13th _**

I am really excited by this! I will set up the type of profile that will sound mysterious, interesting, intelligent, witty, sexy and charming!

Right, a cool photo first! I don't have that many but I do have that one of me morris dancing! That will impress the girls! Those bells round my legs and a hanky in each hand, what a picture!

Nice title. _Morris Dancer seeks someone to hit! _Play on words! What with morris dancers hitting sticks! Classic!

Okay, what to put in the profile. Interests. _Morris dancing, diesel engines, telegraph poles and astronavigation exams._

_Education_. Well I once met a doctor so that will do.

_Hair_ – Yes.

_Eyes_ – Two. Oh, eye colour! Oh, I'm not going back!

_Physique_. Well, athletic definitely. I've got a six-pack! Well, six rolls of fat anyway.

_Tell me about yourself_ - One picture equals a thousand words, babe, and my picture of me morris dancing will say more than anything I can put in here.

What am I looking for? Well, a woman obviously! Don't bother ticking any other stuff. Height, hair colour, interests, yeah, whatever, as long as she gets my hundred dollarpounds off Listy I don't mind!

That will do, just click on submit!

Brilliant! Will see what happens!

It's the evening now. Great day at work. Great day!

My team meetings are getting famous now! Several shifts joined us today for my speech!

To be fair they were the security shifts to just "check up on you" they said, but I could tell they were awestruck by my speaking skills. When I started saying – "We will clean them on the beaches! We will clean them on the fields! We will clean them on the streets! We will never give in to gunked up chicken soup machines and all the odious apparatus of a clogged nozzle!" - they were so impressed by this speech they forgot to clap!

Anyway, back to my profile! I sent a bulk e-mail to all 1,000 girls on the website This is what I wrote –

"Hi babe, saw your profile and saw you've got interests." Didn't bother to read what interests they are of course! Like I've got time! "I'm into hitting things with sticks and slapping my thighs and photographing diesel engines! If you fancy a quiet romantic stroll through sector 7G's two square miles of diesel engines (bring breathing apparatus, ear defenders and a fire proof suit) drop me a line! Look forward to hearing from you soon!"

The only problem I can see is what to do with all the dates I'll get!

**_January 14th_**

I hate computers.

For some reason I have no mail from that website. What have those numpty's in IT done with all my e-mails?

I phoned them up and shouted at them!

Me – "I'm not getting any e-mails!"

Them – "Have you got any through today?"

Me – "Well, two advertising for homes on Saturn, one offering me a huge loan and one offering debt consolidation and one giving me a place to run away to if my debts get too high, for a fee?"

Them – "Well it sounds like it is working, sir."

Me – "You don't understand, I haven't any e-mails for…"

Them – "For what sir?"

Me – "A particular site I joined."

Them – "What site, sir?"

Me – "Oh, you don't understand!" I then slammed the phone down.

Moral victory there, I feel!

Anyway, later I did get an e-mail! From a girl called Lorraine. She's agreed to meet me tomorrow night at Parrot's bar on G deck for five minutes just to say hello!

Always have a contingency plan though!

Have bought two books that should help me through this! Will spend the night reading through these!

"How to pick up girls by hypnosis." (Not that I need it)

"Stand up comedy for beginners." (Because everyone knows girls like a joke!)

With those two babies by my side I'll have a girl friend by the end of tomorrow!

**_January 15th _**

I'm in the mood for one hundred dollarpounnnndddssss! One hundred dollarpounds! Yes one hundred dollarpounds!

If I wasn't so mature I could almost enjoy washing that smirk off Listy's chubby face!

Will tell you what happens later, dear reader!

I turned up at Parrot's bar, looking simply incredible! I got a military haircut before hand and was wearing my best second technician's uniform with my four medals so far! Three years long service, six years long service, nine years long service and twelve years long service! That and my senior Technician's status will make me seem like a go-getting guy who is going places! She will be putty in my hands!

Lister said, why am I wearing those medals? He said they would give them to a pot plant if it stayed still long enough. I said, can a pot plant do this? and gave him a V sign. A riposte worthy of Churchill! That reminds me, my plan to increase my half of the living quarters is working well! I have moved my model soldiers a full half centimetre farther up our quarters' joint desk. They are actually marching on beer stains and fag butts now!

Will keep you informed on their progress!

True, Lister never actually uses his half of the desk apart from for his coffee mug collection, and I use the word "coffee mug" in the loosest sense of the word. I don't know what he is growing in them but I swear one of them winked at me the other day.

Anyway, when I turned up at Parrot's Bar I saw her immediately.

It was the light glinting off her nose that did it.

She had an artificial nose, tastefully done, no rivets, anyway before I even said hello to her I said, "Is there something in your eye?" Fixed her with the mesmer stare and said "Do you fancy getting something to eat?" and she agreed to go out with me!

With barely a word from me! I tell you this hypnosis book is great!

Parrot's bar was looking a bit crowded so we decided to get a corridor taxi to a nice little restaurant I know on C deck.

This was where my new found comedy skills came into their own! You see, I learnt everything I know about comedy from that 'how to be a stand up comedian' book.

First of all, you find something slightly different about a person and make fun of it.

Relentlessly!

Talk about shooting fish in a barrel (although why you would want to I don't know, surely it's easier to empty the barrel and use a sieve?).

Me – "I nose a great joke!" I pointed at her nose as I said this, just in case she didn't get it.

Her – "What are you saying?"

Me – "So where are you from?"

Her – "F deck."

Me – "F deck is so rough the Rottweilers gather in groups to avoid being mugged."

Her – "No it's not, and pets are not allowed on board anyway!"

Me – "You're from F deck, right?"

Her – "You know I am!"

Me – "You stolen anything yet?"

Her – "I am not a thief!"

Me – "Do you know what your Mum said to your Dad?"

Her – Silence, arms folded in awe of my humour!

Me – "Hello brother!"

Her – "Are you saying my parents were related?"

Me – "Well, it was either that or you were a test tube baby, and let's face facts, you wouldn't fit in with those hips! I mean I'm not saying you're fat…" She wasn't, you could lose her behind a stick insect but I didn't know any jokes about thin people, "but I hear the 'speak your weight' machine has taken out an injunction against you."

Her – "Hmmph! Where are we going?"

Me – "Who nose!" I then pointed humorously at her nose.

Anyway, we got to the restaurant. You know I had to prise her out of that taxi? You would have thought she had never been to a restaurant before.

The waiter didn't get my great sense of humour though.

Me – "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

Waiter – "Is there really, sir?" He looks down at the soup.

Me – "Yes, there's a fly in my soup!"

Waiter – "Where?"

Me – "No, you don't get it! There's a fly in my soup!"

Waiter – "I can't see one?"

Me (quietly) – "You ask me what's it doing! (Louder) There's a fly in my soup!"

Waiter – "No there isn't! Are you disparaging this establishment, sir? I might have to ask you to leave!"

Me – "Oh forget it! Where's Lorraine gone?"

Waiter – "She said she was just going to the Ladies. Although we do have one indoors you don't need to get a taxi to get there! What would you like after your soup for one, sir?"

Personally I had a great evening! I was witty, charming and urbane and I only made four jokes about her nose! Shame she left so early, I had several more humdingers lined up, and a song! "She's got the whole world in her nose! She's got the whole wide world in her nose!"

She missed out on a treat!

She sent me a message soon afterwards, saying she would love to meet up again but she had to move to Pluto or something. I tried contacting her again soon afterwards and got diverted to the Security team again.

The phone system on Red Dwarf is a complete shambles.

But if it wasn't for her having to move so suddenly and unexpectedly it would have worked! Still just fifteen days left to get a girlfriend!


	4. And more dates!

Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.

With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me!

Also thanks to Sunrise over the Tango Factory, Cmar, Radar-rox and JosieSPRX for the reviews so far! All very much appreciated!

All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Four – The Diary of Arnold Rimmer, or how to get a girl friend in a month – The Arnold Rimmer way!**

Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.

**_January 16th _**

Do you know, dear diary, there is more to this getting a girlfriend than it first appears? I still think humour should be there but possibly I should tone it down a tad. Will also try modesty as well and just a hint of self-deprecation and maybe politeness!

I think the problem is that my management and team leader skills have made me aloof. Women are scared of my brilliance, that's it really! I need to find a way to lower my natural brilliance to their level.

Will start today! And I'm going to take this more scientifically as well! Will take notes!

And I have another date! She's called Lynne and she replied to my e-mail I sent out on that web site.

She has a strange way of asking for a date really.

This is her reply.

"Dear Bill, I loved your profile! Was that your yacht in the photo? I would love to meet up and chat sometime about your Rugby matches you play. I like a man in tight shorts! Parrot's bar 8 pm? I'll be the one in the white top, red carnation and finishing off the bottle of Bacardi. Lynne. P.S. No jokes about men with funny shaped balls please!"

Curious, in that my name is not Bill, I have no yacht and have more intention of dancing naked in the Captain's cabin than playing Rugby, but still must mean me!

This time will really tone down the humour and turn up the self-deprecation. Difficult with a man of my brilliance, I know!

Will let you know how it goes, dear diary!

Rather peculiar date! For a start, Lynne didn't seem to recognise me. She just kept blathering that I didn't look like a six foot four tanned, toned, handsome rugby playing yacht enthusiast? Where she got that idea from, I don't know. Plus she kept calling me Bill.

Anyway I tried the self-deprecation out once we got the initial confusion sorted out!

Me – "My name's Arnold Rimmer."

Lynne – "So what do you do?"

Me – "I work in sewage pipes, but I've been told I'm too thick for that."

Lynne – "You work in sewage pipes? What doing?"

Me – "De-gunking them mainly. Using my head."

Lynne – "So you are a human toilet brush?"

Me – "Yep! That's only my hobby though."

Lynne, backing away slightly – "You do that as a hobby?"

Me – "Well I'm too stupid to do anything else." I then got out a notepad. "Did that make you feel attracted to me?"

Lynne – "A sewage cleaning thicky? No!"

Me – "What if I were to say I was an officer?"

Lynne – "Slightly."

Me – "What type of officer? A lieutenant?"

Lynne – "Getting better."

Me – "Captain?"

Lynne – "Too high."

Me – "Commander?"

Lynne – "Perfect." I make a note in my pad.

Me – "What about hobbies?"

Lynne – "Don't call them hobbies! Makes you seem like you carry a thermos about! You're not a train spotter are you?"

Me – "Those sad men with anoraks hanging around train stations making notes of their numbers? I hate them."

Lynne – "Thank god!"

Me – "They always get in the way when I try and make a note of the train number."

It is fair to say that the date went downhill from there. Which is curious since it seemed to be about as low as possible before hand. In a nutshell, the metaphorical hole I dug myself in would have needed two Apollo moon rockets strapped together to get out of.

It did not go well.

Still just 14 days to get a girlfriend. I must admit, dear diary, to getting slightly worried.

Lister, the goit, has taken to reading out the various things a hundred dollar pounds could get, including a talking toaster, a pre-curry stained top and a hat that wouldn't be out of place on a Russian soldier.

**_January 17th_**

Have decided to go places where women hang out! Will let you know later, dear diary, how it goes.

Curious, tried the local "Diesel engines fan club!" No women there.

Tried the Reggie Wilson tango treats club.

Nobody there at all!

Lift music classics. Empty again.

Met a couple of people at the Hammond Organ society. They both had beards. They might have been women; it is difficult to tell with the Hammond Organ Society. Left rather quickly anyway.

Curiously, there is not a society for collecting plastic spoons. Mental note: start one up! I've spent many a happy evening labelling mine up, and making notes on what drinks machine I got them from on the Dwarf, and what time and what drink. That reminds me, Lister just took one of my plastic spoons and stirred his coffee with it yesterday! It was the one I got from the Officer's club on the twenty second week I was with the Dwarf. I well remember that coffee; white, two sugars. What a combination! Great sentimental value.

If I hadn't spent two hours etching it I would never have worked out which one he had taken.

Anyway, will have to carry on looking for a decent society to join. Preferably one with women in it.

**_January 18th_**

Saw something advertised that is not normally me but hey if I want to win this bet I need to try all options. I decided to try something called yoga, which despite its name is not a healthy early morning breakfast cereal. Incidentally talking of healthy food why is fish oil meant to be good for intelligence? Gold fish are made of it and they have a five second memory. Although who tested that is anyone's guess? Maybe the goldfish were just being polite like some people are with old people. "He's telling us that story again? Be polite. Smile and act like you haven't heard it for the 400th time this year."

Anyway onto yoga, will try it out later tonight and let you know how it goes!

**_January 20th_**

Sorry for not writing the past couple of days. I'll tell you what happened in yoga.

The teacher gave us a quick run-through beforehand. Spiritual philosophy, healthy mind, healthy body blah, blah blah.

Who cares?

Basically, dear diary, it is a lot of women in very tight clothes bending themselves into strange shapes! I'm not being funny, but anything a girl can do I can do, cause I'm a man and therefore great!

I had a choice of beginners, intermediate, or advanced yoga.

Like I've got time to faf about with beginners yoga. I signed straight onto the advanced yoga.

Unfortunately this rather explains where I have been the past three days.

I was halfway through the revolved pentagram when I heard a click. Well I say 'a' click it was more a series of a clicks. For a moment I thought I had wandered into the First World War recreationist evenings. Sadly, it was my back that was complaining and that is a bit of an understatement. It was said they heard my scream from G deck to Z deck.

This wouldn't have been a problem apart from my leg was wrapped round my neck at the time.

They didn't bother with a stretcher; they just rolled me to the medical bay. I have spent the past two days in a hospital bed unable to move, staring at the washing instructions for a hospital sheet. Did you know they are 56 percent and 44 percent polyester? Also they should be washed as part of a synthetic cycle?

Yes, fascinating, I know! And if you think that's interesting try studying it for two days solid.

Fortunately they fixed my back. To be honest they weren't trying at the time, they were just replacing my sheets and accidentally pushed me onto the floor when a hospital gurney ran me over, straightening out my spine.

When I have finished my definitive guide to 20th century telegraph poles I might make a study of washing techniques. I'll give it to Lister. I'm not saying he never washes his clothes…

Actually that is exactly what I'm saying. When I got back I found that Lister had thrown his jacket on the floor from the previous night, and it hadn't just crumpled to the floor, it was standing there like an invisible sweaty smelly Lister was still in it.

It was like one of those horror films. The kind of cheap fifties ones called "They came from beyond the wardrobe" and made on a budget that you would be hard pressed to feed a dead hamster on.

Anyway this jacket was, I swear, creeping up on me! I had a heroic struggle with it, I nearly turned green with the smell, and I stuffed it into the waste compactor. Judging by the alarm sounds it was not best pleased with this. To be honest it might have been the painkillers the medic bay gave me that made me hallucinate, but I doubt it.

Getting back to the medic bay, I got a date with a nurse!

Rather a curious date.

She gave me a card.

Three-thirty tomorrow in the doctor's surgery, green room. Wear loose clothing.

Still, a date's a date!

My team were so pleased to see me back today that they even thanked God! There was a lot of looking heavenward and saying "Oh god!" when I walked in.

They must have really missed me.

**_January 21st_**

My plan to take over Lister's desk fell into slight disarray this morning. I sent half a dozen of the Napoleon's Armee du Nord to surround and take over a few rogue coffee cups on Lister's desk when the mould attacked them. Have returned them to my desk in a bleach bath while I consider what should be done. Anyway, onto more important matters!

I turned up at 3:30 in the doctor's surgery wearing my best loose clothing. In this case it was a Hawaiian shirt and a bow tie (I wanted to look loose and smart). Didn't quite make it there originally since the security force stopped me and forced me to change. Bunch of killjoys!

When I eventually made it there she looked rather surprised by the flowers I gave her but not as surprised as I was when she asked me to take my clothes off. Rather forward of her! Sadly, I found out it wasn't actually a date but a follow up appointment.

I also found out she didn't actually mean all my clothes either.

Even more sadly, for me, she called the security team to get rid of me. Haven't they got anything better to do with their time? I did tell them they should be out arresting weirdos and leaving me alone and they said that was what they were doing!

I don't get that?

I still think that this idea to go where there are more women than men is a winner.

Just need to find the next place. Will have to research this.

_**January 22nd**_

Have decided to try kickboxing.

I looked at some of the women going in there and wow! Have picked up a book on chat up lines from the bookshop and will let you know how they work on my first evening at kickboxing!

Me – "Did it hurt?"

Her – "Are you okay?"

Me – "No, you answer what!"

Her – "I'm not hurting, why should I answer what?"

Me – "You say, what hurt?"

Her – "Can you just put your gum shield in while I kick you?"

Me – "Mmmmmmm." I take gum shield out. "I say, did it hurt when you fell out of heaven!" I then got a boot in the chin. Not too sure whether it is the line or the kickboxing I'm in.

The next one I tried was where you look at their label in the back of their clothes and say "Yep, made in heaven!" Sadly that is how I got my black eye.

One of these lines must work! However it must be said that kickboxing is probably not the best place to try them out. Since when the women hit back, they put the boot in as well, and they have been trained.

Ouch!

This is starting to get serious; I've only got eight days left!

Lister, the goit, is leaving all these catalogue items glued around our sleeping quarters. I will get this hundred dollar pounds off the smeghead.

I will!

Just need to work out how.


	5. The final week Crisis!

Red Dwarf characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.

With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me!

Also thanks to Sunrise over the Tango Factory, Cmar, Radar-rox and JosieSPRX for the reviews so far! All very much appreciated!

All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Five – The Diary of Arnold Rimmer, or how to get a girl friend in a month – The Arnold Rimmer way!**

Set before they are lost 3 million years from Earth.

**_January 23rd _**

This is a crisis! I just have eight days left to get a girlfriend or I have to give Lister (hereafter called 'smeg for brains') a hundred dollarpounds (hereafter called not a chance)!

Have decided to take out an advert in the Red Dwarf Times. They have a lonely hearts column here. Right after the items for sale. Let's see what bargains they have - "Chair for sale. Missing three legs and the back. One dollar pound. Also the seat needs re-padding as well, and a seat."

One dollarpound for that?

Are they mad?

What a bargain!

A bit of work and I bet I could sell it for two dollarpounds! Some of the stuff I have bought here has been amazing! True, I still need to work on some of the things. But as soon as I've got a few tools like a lathe, a saw, an adze (sounds dangerous, is it a snake?) one of those smoother things, a workshop, and learn advanced carpentry I can make a fortune!

Anyway back to these adverts. Lonely hearts.

Just a few lines?

Tag line needed – "It's your lucky day, ladies!"

Excellent.

Need a decent picture. That one Lister took of me playing Risk will do. It especially looks good since I had put the mirror on the desk and was playing against myself. Very artistic. Look at my furrowed brow! Look at my masculine hand holding my stately chin! Look at the label on my back saying "Smeg head!"

Hmmmm. Hadn't noticed that before. No wonder he took a picture of me, the smelly baboon-faced goit.

No problem, no problem. Let me get a pen. Change the e to an o and voila! "Smog hoad!" Sounds like some ancient Gaelic name, possibly an ancient Irish warrior! Or I could be completely wrong, but no matter, it's a conversation piece.

What do other people write here?

"Fluffy sheepikins seeks shepherdess for sheering fun."

Hmmm. No, not really me, that.

"Forty-five years old, bald, hugely overweight, with a halitosis problem are all words that don't apply to me! To find out what does contact Box 3232."

Weird.

I don't have time to bandy words. Let's make it plain and simple. "Arnold Rimmer seeks partner. Part time position only. No experience required. Interviews January 24th. Please supply two references. No time wasters."

That should do! I'll send it to the paper today!

Plus, I need a backup plan as this is getting serious. I'll take out a full-page ad just to be sure!

On the front page.

In luminous green.

Will let you know how it goes tomorrow!

**_January 24th_**

You know, I might have been quite wrong about Lister? He was really kind this morning! He found out I was putting out an advert in the paper and he offered to deliver the advert in person!

And there I was, thinking he was a useless, know nothing, bottom faced, rectal discharge of a man.

I was surprised! Anyway, will write more later today!

My team meeting was rather curious today.

Some of them asked when are the interviews taking place and if they could watch. They also asked about what angle the photo was taken from? I just said it's only of me playing Risk. They said it was a rather risky picture - or is that risqué? My French has never been that good. Well, after that advert my French kissing will improve!

Looking forward to seeing the picture of me in the paper later!

**_January 30th _**

You might wonder where I have been the past few days. Let me explain.

I had a lot of interest for the part of my partner!

A lot of interest!

Sadly, I should have been a little bit more specific, as opposed to just 'partner'.

I mean, I have nothing against men, nothing at all. Some of my best friends are men, or at least they would be if I had any. I mean, let's be honest, I'm a man myself! But to be honest I don't _want_ to have anything against men, especially myself. I also had a couple of replies I'm sure are not genuine…

I mean sheep can't write, can they?

I also had a slight shock when I saw the picture Lister had submitted. For slight shock read minor coronary. I went the same colour as a beetroot and I'm sure steam came out of my ears. Lister had taken a picture of me after my Christmas drink. The one where I said "I'll just drink lemonade" and someone had spiked it with vodka. And brandy. And tequila. And whisky. There might have been a dash of lemonade in it, but I doubt it.

When I collapsed naked on the bunk afterwards he took a picture of my wedding tackle surrounded by holly, a little red hat and a label saying it was Santa Claus.

The security guards had words with me.

Quite a lot of words in fact. You know, I didn't realise there were so many swear words in the English language!

They weren't best happy with pornographic images of me being distributed throughout the ship.

I have just got back from five days in the brig where the punishment was to paint over every picture of my front bits from every paper on the ship. Over 10,000 of them!

I also have to keep a ten-metre distance from all women on the Dwarf. For six months!

I have one day left to win this bet! It is now physically impossible. I've got more chance of Napoleon dressed as a hula hula girl hand delivering my officer's pips in the next two days than getting a girlfriend.

What would Hitler do in this situation? Probably have Lister executed in some horribly ironic way. I expect involving curry.

Good plan, but might have to put it on the back burner for now. Have to hide now until the heat dies down. In about six months time.

**_January 31st_**

Have officially given up on trying to find a girlfriend. Will get a hundred dollarpounds out of the bank today.

There is absolutely no point to it at all. I have an official ban on meeting women, for a start!

This whole thing was just a puerile pointless exercise. Besides which I have now taken to wearing a false moustache out and calling myself Norman to avoid the comments. That advert Lister put out was quite one of the worse things that has ever happened to me. In fact, on my list it is now number four. My previous number four (at a school camp when I found I accidentally packed my Mum's overnight bag instead of mine and had to sleep wearing a frilly pink nightie) has been demoted.

Anyway, some of the goits, mentioning no names but probably Lister, had glued some of those pictures of me about the Dwarf. I phoned in sick today. For the first time ever I phoned in sick and have spent hours scouring the ship for those pictures.

Later in the day I had another appointment with the medical bay about my yoga incident so had to trundle down there, and I got idly chatting to a girl there.

I was so fixated with this search for those pictures and calling myself Norman that I completely forgot all those lines.

And that hypno stare.

I just talked to her.

Curiously, it felt good being in her company as we waited in line for our appointments.

Normally I find it difficult to talk to women; I mean, how do people keep up conversation for hours on end? Even with a wealth of knowledge of telegraph poles, trains and spoons you get dry bits in conversation and start trying to make up conversation like "Gosh green painted walls, how fascinating." Normally after that they have to dash off or move to Pluto or something. With her it was simple. There were no uncomfortable silences, only comfortable ones. Several times I glanced at her and caught her looking at me and giggling when I made a face at something or a stupid comment.

Giggling with me, not at me!

I asked where she was going afterwards. She just said the Pizza Palace.

I never thought of myself as being unhappy before, but my god I was happy then!

We went to Pizza Palace and picked up a pizza. Anchovy and salami, I'll never forget it. Somehow we ended up in her place giggling and laughing together and let me tell you, it's nothing like the films.

It's better.

Far better!

However, I got there under false pretences. I didn't want to lie to her; I called myself Norman. But Arnold Rimmer has to keep a ten-metre distance from all women on the Dwarf.

Her name was Yvonne McGruder, by the way, and she was an athlete! Well, the ship's female boxing champion, she was there for possible concussion apparently, some goit dropped a winch on her head.

It is a name I will never forget.

Saying goodbye to her afterwards was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Ever.

I don't think I can ever get over it.

Ever.

Still, I won a hundred dollarpounds off that smeghead Lister!


End file.
